Especially Weekend Update:
Tina Fey: "Prostitutes in Lyons, France sent a fax to the government to complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women who are protected by the Albanian mafia. Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes that all their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did they send a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse, or did they all trundle down to Kinko's - "You fax these, I'll let you shave me." Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, but every time I try to use it, I hit Power Save, or I forget to dial 9... This just proves what my boyfriend always says - that I am dumber than a French whore. Back to you, Jimmy!"
Jimmy Fallon: "According to new research, it is extremely difficult for women over the age of 40 to have a child. So hello Bea Arthur, goodbye condoms!"
Tina Fey: "Reuters reported this week that a jilted woman pestered her former lover with more than 1,000 phone calls a day for three years. In a related story--I won't be ignored."
Jimmy Fallon: "Next week is Eating Disorder Awareness Week, fat-sos."
Seth Meyers: "Everyone and everything that Boston roots for loses. If Boston rooted by gravity, we'd all be floating three inches off the ground."
Will Forte: (On Black History Month
) Okay, then I'll cut right to the chase, Tizzle Zina Fizzle Zey. Martin Luther King - Yea! Slavery - Boo! End of slavery - Yea!! Michael Jordan - Yes. Eminem - Double yes.
Jimmy Fallon: "Here's a nice story from Holland. A Cocker Spaniel hunted down a rabbit, but instead of killing it, the Spaniel has adopted the animal as his friend. Hey, that's kinda like how we met, Tina."
Tina Fey: "Yes, but I still plan to kill you."
Tina Fey: "Joy Behar, from The View, is participating in a eight-week Get Fit plan, that will be chronicled on the show. Now, I considered doing a Star Jones joke here, but, I got worried she'd bust through this map wall like the Kool Aid man and kick my ass."
Tina Fey: "The renowned Carnegie Deli failed its third health inspection in three months this week."
Jimmy Fallon: "Oh man, I love the Carnegie. That's where they have those huge sandwiches named after celebrities. You know, they got a sandwich named after me, the Jimmy Fallon."
Tina Fey: "Yea, it's 170 pounds of ham with a bad haircut."
I'm gonna miss Jimmy... =(