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Sun, Dec. 5th, 2004, 09:18 pm
a_new_musical: (no subject)

Austin Powers: Hey! There you are!
some guy: Do i know you?
Austin Powers: No, but thats where you are, your there!

its my favorite

Thu, Aug. 12th, 2004, 10:59 pm
stephuhknee: From Graham Norton

On Jessica Simpson being added to the figures in Madam Toussaud's:

"Next they'll add a statue of Ashlee Simpson. All they need to do is make a copy of Jessica's statue and then smash it's face with a frying pan."

"I'm just being MEAN! No one should ever treat cookware like that."

Not an exact quote.....I was too busy trying not to choke from laughing so hard :D

Tue, Aug. 3rd, 2004, 02:39 am
soybik: (no subject)

"if i had 90 billion dollars i'd buy all the pants in the world and burn 'em. to hell with pants. no more pants."
-- some guy on Comedy Central Presents

Tue, Aug. 3rd, 2004, 01:29 am
soybik: from various game shows

"bachelor #1 i have just given you bachelor #2, what are you going to do with him?"

"name something men wear to bed."
"nightcap. sweat suit. nightcap. nightcap. condoms."

"45 point boner - er - bonus question."

"name an article of clothing that children are always losing."
"their pants."

"name something you take to the beach."
"name something you buy first at the supermarket."
"name something that can be stuffed and cooked."

Sun, Aug. 1st, 2004, 11:57 pm
soybik: (no subject)

"they celebrate easter the same way we do: by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night"
"where do you get this shit from, you know, why those two things, you know, why not goldfish left lincoln logs in your sock drawer?"
"at least a goldfish with a lincoln log on its back going across your floor to your sock drawer has a miraculous connotation to it."
-- Bill Hicks

Sat, Jul. 24th, 2004, 11:59 pm
elfinprincess: From Aqua Teen Hunger Force

This is from the episode about the Shake signal, where Shake stole the light from Carl.

Carl: Yeah, well, I noticed this long cord comin' from my house, then I noticed YOUR house, glowin' like the freakin' SUN. So I put two and two together and decided - you're pissin' me off.

Thu, Jul. 15th, 2004, 12:23 am
stephuhknee: From Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Witch Doctor: Now, repeat after me. I Am...
Carl, Frylock, Meatwad: I Am...
Witch Doctor: Sofa King...
Carl, Frylock, Meatwad: Sofa King...
Witch Doctor: We Todd Ed.
Carl, Frylock, Meatwad: We Todd Ed.
Witch Doctor: Now say it again, faster.
Carl, Frylock, Meatwad: I Am Sofa King We Todd Ed.
Witch Doctor: Hahahaha! You said a very funny thing.

Thu, Jul. 8th, 2004, 01:32 pm
fan_addict: God I love SNL...

Especially Weekend Update:

Tina Fey: "Prostitutes in Lyons, France sent a fax to the government to complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women who are protected by the Albanian mafia. Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes that all their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did they send a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse, or did they all trundle down to Kinko's - "You fax these, I'll let you shave me." Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, but every time I try to use it, I hit Power Save, or I forget to dial 9... This just proves what my boyfriend always says - that I am dumber than a French whore. Back to you, Jimmy!"

Jimmy Fallon: "According to new research, it is extremely difficult for women over the age of 40 to have a child. So hello Bea Arthur, goodbye condoms!"

Tina Fey: "Reuters reported this week that a jilted woman pestered her former lover with more than 1,000 phone calls a day for three years. In a related story--I won't be ignored."

Jimmy Fallon: "Next week is Eating Disorder Awareness Week, fat-sos."

Seth Meyers: "Everyone and everything that Boston roots for loses. If Boston rooted by gravity, we'd all be floating three inches off the ground."

Will Forte: (On Black History Month) Okay, then I'll cut right to the chase, Tizzle Zina Fizzle Zey. Martin Luther King - Yea! Slavery - Boo! End of slavery - Yea!! Michael Jordan - Yes. Eminem - Double yes.

Jimmy Fallon: "Here's a nice story from Holland. A Cocker Spaniel hunted down a rabbit, but instead of killing it, the Spaniel has adopted the animal as his friend. Hey, that's kinda like how we met, Tina."
Tina Fey: "Yes, but I still plan to kill you."

Tina Fey: "Joy Behar, from The View, is participating in a eight-week Get Fit plan, that will be chronicled on the show. Now, I considered doing a Star Jones joke here, but, I got worried she'd bust through this map wall like the Kool Aid man and kick my ass."

Tina Fey: "The renowned Carnegie Deli failed its third health inspection in three months this week."
Jimmy Fallon: "Oh man, I love the Carnegie. That's where they have those huge sandwiches named after celebrities. You know, they got a sandwich named after me, the Jimmy Fallon."
Tina Fey: "Yea, it's 170 pounds of ham with a bad haircut."

I'm gonna miss Jimmy... =(

Thu, Jul. 8th, 2004, 12:59 pm
stephuhknee: For a Friend :)

"You have the American dream! The American dream is to be born in the gutter and have nothing. Then to rise up and have all the money in the world, and stick it in your ears and go PLBTLBTLBLTLBTLBLT! That's a pretty good dream."

"This is your pilot speaking. Welcome to flight one from here to there. We'll be flying at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. And our copilot today, is a thermos of coffee."

"Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Look, there's Rod Stewart in first class!" "

"Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. "In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal... one horse threw a shoe came in third... the duck was ninth... and five ran." "

-- Eddie Izzard

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